Fuck you…

Fuck you for not giving me the keys to the car.

Fuck you for not letting use my own money to buy things for myself.

Fuck you for not even trying to help me.

Fuck you for ruining my Thanksgiving.

Fuck you for ruining my Christmas.

Fuck you for changing your password and not letting me into your life.

Fuck you for falling in love with someone else.

Fuck you for running away from me.

Fuck you for breaking off all contact with me.

Fuck you for giving me hope and then taking that away from me.

Fuck you for overdosing and leaving me broken.

Fuck you for killing yourself.

Fuck you for treating me like shit all throughout my childhood.

Fuck you for never giving me the affection I needed.

Fuck you for trying to get back into my life when you’re the worst person for me.

Fuck you for fucking everyone but me.

Fuck you for being so fucking far away.

Fuck you for never being there for me.

Fuck you for never noticing me.

Fuck you for standing me up.

Fuck you for being a self centred bitch.

Fuck you for never thinking of me.

Fuck me…

Fuck me for having a shitty heart.

Fuck me for never having the motivation to improve my life.

Fuck me for not talking to anyone even when I need it.

Fuck me for isolating myself from the world.

Fuck me for falling in love with everyone that gives me the slightest bit of affection.

Fuck me for trusting everyone.

Fuck me for being so fucked up.

Fuck me for all the problems I have.

Fuck me for being so clingy.

Fuck me for never being good enough.

Fuck me for wanting more.

Fuck me for wishing something could have happened.

Fuck me for never letting go.

Fuck me for being so nostalgic.

Fuck me for actually giving two shits about you.

Fuck me for falling in love with you.

Fuck me for crying every night for weeks because of me.

Fuck…

Ask not the sun why she sets

Why she shrouds her light warming

Or why she hides her glowing gaze

When night turns crimson-gold to grey

For silent falls the guilty sun

As day to dark does turn

One simple truth she dare not speak

Her light can only blind and burn

No mercy for the guilty

Bring down their lying sun

Blood so silver black by night

Upon their faces pale light

Cruel moon, bring the end

The dawn will never rise again 

     ’Date is the 24th of August, on the year 2015.  Doctor Norman Stanswick interviewing patient 3658: James, no last name is given.’  I take a few calming breaths, muting the recorder and collecting my thoughts.  The nurse on duty notices my unease, and places a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

     ’You’ll be fine,’ she says to me, a sort of pity makes her voice sound hollow, ‘they’ve got him in restraints, and there’s armed guards posted outside.  Perfectly safe!’  This last sentence is matter-of-fact, as if she truly believed that walking unarmed into a confined space with that monster would be a stroll in the park.  Her eyes though, a sadness and a turn of the head, she knows that she’s sending me to my grave and she’s just trying to do her best to calm my nerves.

     There’s a loud buzz, and the outer door swings inward.  I’m told the doors are designed in such a way that it makes it impossible to move through without the other being shut, but this thought only frightens me, knowing that I won’t be able to escape quickly.  With a resonating thud, the outer door shuts.  I feel the tightness of this place now, no doors, no windows, nothing except a plain white floor with plain white doors with a plain white ceiling; everything is pressing down on me and causing me to sweat.

     After an eternity, the inner door hisses open, I loosen my collar and step through.  Sitting with perfect posture on a cube of iron in the middle of the room, is a young man, no older than 20.  He turns to face me, his eyes are so white that his pupils seem to be endless pits of blackness drawing me in.  He is completely bald, not a blemish on his porcelain skin; if he could stand, I’d imagine him to be lanky, skinny, with long arms.  but he is bound in place with technology far above my comprehending, another one of the many things I’m reassured of.

     ’Hello Doctor Stanswick,’ these words come from my own mouth, stolen lips and tongue and used as a mouthpiece for this thing, ‘I’m very pleased they didn’t send another military type in.  Their conditioning teaches them to not show fear, which is never fun.  No, I’m glad they sent you Norman, you’re more human than anyone else I’ve spoken to.’

     I inhaled deeply, not used to having someone use my lungs forcefully, ‘I’m glad we’re starting things off right then.  Should I assume that you know why I’m here?’

     Not having time to inhale, ‘Yes, naturally, you’re here to study me, to find out what makes me tick, who I am, what goes on in this vast brain I have, where I come from, what I’ve been through, the list goes on.  But to spare you pathetic lung capacity, I will stop.’  Falling to my knees, I gasp for air, all this time his expression remains unchanged, mute neutrality, blending in to the walls, the floor, the ceiling.

     Mixed in with the panic, curiosity bubbles away.  I am the longest doctor to survive thus far, maybe there’s some hope for me.  Tentative, I press forward,  ’Would you mind a question that’s you’ve probably never heard before?’

     A hollow laughter escapes my lips, ‘I’ve been asked thousands of questions, each by thousands of doctors before you, I’ve heard every question you could possibly ask me.  But please, expend your use so they can clean you off from these walls.’

     I was selected from hundreds for the question I was to ask, judged, rated, voted on, it was the entire reason I was here.  But I didn’t want to ask that question, right now I couldn’t even remember it, all I could think about was how my wife would love these walls.  How the ‘sheik blankness of the walls complemented the 50’s modern floor which offset the trendiness of the ceiling,’ or some bullshit like that.  I hated this room, everything about it, whomever designed this room must have had a rod jammed up his ass.

     So I asked my question, ‘Do you ever get tired of this room?’  James’ face finally showed some sort of emotion, puzzlement, he tilted his head to the side and his eyebrows creased.  All at once there was a flash of white, I could feel myself falling, and then blackness.  When I opened my eyes, I was back at home, but it wasn’t home.  I was in my living room, standing where I would sit and watch the football match.  The tele was gone too, so was every bit of anything recognizable in there.  The walls, the floor, and the ceiling, were all impossibly white.  My wife walked in at that moment, said something about something important.  I didn’t care, I was too busy trying to figure out if I was in hell or not.

The night was cool.  The eerie luminescent glow of a crescent moon, affixed overhead like a crack in the ceiling of the world, provided the only light to see by.  I laid in the grass, staring up at the multitude of stars, it seemed like an impossible number.  As I gazed, I thought about how exactly small I was.  In proportion to everything, I’m insignificant, a microscopic dot on top of a microscopic dot.  The short time I’ll spend on this little blue-green planet means nothing in the scope of the universe, I mean nothing, and will never make an impact.

I heard the crack of a twig under a boot and turned around, to find you, standing there next to me.  You sat beside me, and looked up.  You hugged your knees and bit you bottom lip in the way you always did when you were thinking really hard about something.  As you were transfixed upon the heavens, I only had eyes for you.  If anything, you were more beautiful than all the stars in the sky.  You made me feel like I was the most important thing in the universe, like I mattered, and I knew I changed you.

You noticed me staring at you, gave a rye grin, and kissed me softly on my lips, your hand lingering on my cheek even after you pulled away.  I took your hand and cupped it in mine, tracing the lines in your hand.  You pulled me towards you, kissing me fiercely and forcing my hand to squeeze your breast.  I fell into you, our limbs entwining and our hands exploring every inch of each other’s flesh.  Soon enough, we were stripped of our clothes, not caring about the cool night air, for we were lost in the warmth of each other.

And I realized, in that final moment, that I would never see her again.  She slipped beneath the waters, her white dress billowing around her as if she were a ghost.  In the last fading rays of the setting sun, the light refracted through the water and hit her pale skin, making it appear as if she was still alive.  But soon enough, she faded, just like the sun, and I was left there sitting in my boat in the middle of the open sea.  I raised sail, and started moving further out into the ocean.  I had enough supplies to last me for a while, and enough skill to sustain myself when those supplies ran out.  I knew it was foolish, and reckless of me to do this, but I didn’t have the heart in me to venture back to port to face all those people pitying me.  I’d rather spend the rest of my days with the embodiment of my love, than half conscious in the port tavern.  As I committed my love’s body to the sea, so do I commit mine the same.

     I can feel her eyes on me.  Her gaze pierces me like a thousand tiny needles, setting every nerve aflame with anticipation and longing for a gentle word, or a soft touch.  She glides across the floor, her dress billowing out behind her as if blown by a phantasmal wind.  The silk brushes my cheek and causes shivers to rush through me, every fibre of my being screams at me to reach out and touch her.  I reach out a shaking hand towards her smiling face, cupping her velvet soft cheek, I pull her towards me.  Her lips are fire, the moment they touch mine I am set ablaze with a passion that had been locked away.  Before I knew what was happening, I feel her small frame on top of me, pinning me down with hidden strength.  I feel the sharpness of her teeth as they dig into my neck, I arch my back and moan.  She releases her grasp on my arms, only to rend my shirt to expose my chest, which she then rakes with her nails, leaving bright red marks on my skin.  I use this chance to rid her of her dress, leaving her only in her lingerie, holding my face in both hands, kissing me deeply.  After I cast away the dress, she grabs at my hand and brings it to her breast, I clutch it and squeeze firmly.  Her head rolls back, and she lets loose a sigh of pleasure.  She again tosses me down, this time slithering down my body, leaving a trail of kisses.  She stop at my waist line, looks up at me, and grins mischievously.  She begins to unfasten my belt and work on the button to my trousers…

     That’s when I wake with a start.  I look beside me, and there is no girl, only my dresser table where sits an empty bottle of gin.  I hang my head in my hands, and weep softly to myself.  I thought I was rid of those dreams, but even after she’s dead and buried, she still maintains her grasp on my heart…

See these roses?

Plucked from my garden?

I grew them just for you

Pink, your favourite

Hear this song?

The one I’m playing to you now?

I wrote it for you

Took me two weeks to get it just right

See this castle?

Large and made of stone?

I built it with my own bare hands

So you can be a princess

See this portrait?

The one I just finished?

I spent forever just working on your smile

It can still never come close

See my heart?

Pulled from my chest?

I gave it to you

It has always been yours

See my blood?

Dripping from my wrists?

I’d spill every drop for you

If you could only just see what I’ve done for you

I once met a girl

A beautiful girl

She taught me things

So many things

She taught me how to live

How to love

She taught me so much about myself

I grew to become a part of this girl

We became one soul inhabiting two bodies

And then one day that changed

She came to me

Sobbing

Shaking

Her dress was torn and bloodied

There was a man take took advantage of her

That used her to his own ends

Then discarded her

She was never the same

She withdrew into herself

Became so cold and distant

But I did all I could

I was there for her when she thought she was alone

Then one day I found her covered in her own blood

Beside her was a scrap of paper with a few simple words scratched onto it

‘So sweet the sound of life’s finale’

All this time she had been suffering more than I could ever know

More than anyone could know

And now I hear that same song

And the music is reaching a grand crescendo

All to be snuffed out

And replaced with silence

  • 21 Plays

Here it is, I’ll get a video of me soon enough.

There are things that make me who I am.

The good.

And the bad.

I’m a lier.

A cheater.

Thief.

But I’m also a hero.

A protector.

Gentleman.

I’m contradiction, everything about me counters another.

But out of this chaos, I am.

I exist, despite all my follies.

And yet, in my eyes, they’re too much.

My sins.

I don’t deserve to live.

After all I’ve done there’s nothing that can make up for the blight I’ve caused on the lives of others.

I am ashamed to be called all these grandiose things when I’m such a disgrace.

It’s a shame it took me so long to realize this.

A shame I didn’t want to change my ways sooner.

I could have kept some of the people in my life.

But now it’s too late.

I’m sorry.

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